Teaching Responsibility
Author’s Note: Tanel suggested that I hold off on this post until the matter was resolved. Since I wrote it nearly 6 months ago and it seems the owner of the car isn’t interested in pursuing this any further, I’m going to go ahead and publish. For those that listen to the podcast, you may have heard much of this before. For the rest, why aren’t you listening to the podcast?
So I got in a car accident today. Nothing big, just a fender-bender. Essentially, a driver decided to do a 3-point turn right in front of me on a busy street. I didn’t realize it until it was too late. As I went around them, their backup lights came on. I watched them to see if they were going to hit me and when I turned back to the front, saw the car stopped in front of me. Crash!
So I do the whole trade info thing and within a few minutes (maybe 15) I’m back on the road. The driver was cool and didn’t call the cops. No one was hurt and the damage was minimal (two repaired bumpers for sure though). So I have lunch with the wife (which is where I was going) and then went to pick up the kids. Punkalicious (5 years old) was first. I told him all about the accident. Then I asked him whose fault it was. He, of course, said it was the driver doing the 3 point turn.
Now all you adults know that legally when you rear end someone it is your fault. Your only hope is that your stupidity will cause the person behind you to rear end you and then it is their fault. But ethically… morally… whose fault is it?
Mine.
I explained to my son – No one can “make” you do anything. Even if they put a gun to your head, they can’t “make” you do it (I didn’t use the gun analogy but you get the idea). All they can do is influence you, make it easier for you to do a thing. They either put pressure on you or release pressure from a different source. But they can’t make you do it.
When that person turned in front of me, they distracted me. Had I been paying better attention, had I slowed down a little more or any number of different things, the accident could have been avoided (maybe). But I didn’t. Therefore, it is still my fault. My responsibility. A discussion a bit heavy for a 5 year old? Maybe. But maybe it’ll pop up at some time in the future when he’s blaming his friends for making him break the rules.
I do want to make a few comments about pressure. Everyone understands the concept of peer pressure. You’ve felt it, you’ve maybe dealt it, it’s pretty easy to recognize. But relieving pressure is a way of influencing people too. A long time ago, I was dating a girl. I probably would have ended up marrying her if I hadn’t met this second girl. Girl #1 was “pressuring” me to conform, to become a little less rebellious and a little more socially acceptable. Girl #2 comes along and tells me that she likes me just the way I am and that I’ll never have to change. Goodbye Girl #1, hello Girl #2.
Fast forward a few years and Girl #2 is putting the same pressure to conform as Girl #1.
That offer to release the pressure to conform was enough to entice me to leave a perfectly good relationship for a very, very bad one. It took me years to get myself right and in the end, I did conform (mostly). But as much as I’d like to blame Girl #2 for ruining that part of my life, it was all me (in the end, it was for the best because I met Tanel and lived happily ever after but that’s another story). It was my selfishness that led me to that led me to that bad decision. Sure, she dangled the carrot but I had to reach out and take it.
A bit much for a 5 year old, yeah, sure. But better to hear it too early than not at all.
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tom Mamabaker – thanks for the comment. Yeah, I called the owner of the truck and he just blew it off. He knew from his driver that the other lady was at least a major contributor. I’m guessing there was more damage to my car than his and since his was a work truck, he just wrote if off. I was definitely lucky this time.
To answer your question – OurFirstMarriage is a sarcastic name for a very serious blog and Podcast. Tanel and Tom Andry have the good fortune to be one of the few couples that seem to be truly happy. Are they blissful every day? No. Do they fight occasionally? Absolutely. Does life, kids, work, and stress interfere with their relationship? Sure. But so far, they’ve survived where most of their friends have failed.
Patrick I like how Tom slips into the third person. Or maybe he is just lazy and learned how to cut and paste…
mamabaker Did ya take advantage of the other day and record a podcast or did the mood wear off my that night?
tom Absolutely! We love any and all feedback. We also take suggestions for topics or just general comments.
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Fender benders suck! I got in one a few years back and it was my fault. The guy got out but didn’t speak any English so he dropped it got back in his car and left, thank goodness!
I enjoyed that blog. Good lesson at any age.
Question…. The name, Out First Marriage, does that mean you look at it as the first of many or do you believe in being in it for the long haul?Maybe it’s a silly question but I’m a fairly new listener.